Being with Someone When They Die

[BringBackFergy]

Serious question. We've talked about putting our dogs down, but what about being with our loved ones, friends or others when they pass.

 

We have many law enforcement members here, as well as soldiers, EMT's, doctors, nurses, etc. who may have been with someone when they took their last breath.

 

I'm none of those but have been with two people that took their last breath: one was a client I was with in the hospital. The other was my Dad who I was lucky enough to hold when it happened.

 

Without getting into too much detail about how it happened, why it happened, etc., do you still think about it? How has it affected you?

 

Some people say it is the "most beautiful thing to experience" but I won't go that far. I'd say I was very lucky to be with my Dad when it happened but I still can't believe it...very glad I was there with him. Wouldn't want it any other way. 

 

[plenzmd1]

1 minute ago, BringBackFergy said:

Serious question. We've talked about putting our dogs down, but what about being with our loved ones, friends or others when they pass.

 

We have many law enforcement members here, as well as soldiers, EMT's, doctors, nurses, etc. who may have been with someone when they took their last breath.

 

I'm none of those but have been with two people that took their last breath: one was a client I was with in the hospital. The other was my Dad who I was lucky enough to hold when it happened.

 

Without getting into too much detail about how it happened, why it happened, etc., do you still think about it? How has it affected you?

 

Some people say it is the "most beautiful thing to experience" but I won't go that far. I'd say I was very lucky to be with my Dad when it happened but I still can't believe it...very glad I was there with him. Wouldn't want it any other way. 

 

3 times for me..brother ,mother, brother by another mother( dear friend). Brother and mother I was happy i was there..and as awful as it sounds was relieved when they passed to end their suffering. It was time for both, and no amount of medicine or pain killers was going to take away their suffering.

 

Friend was crushing, still cant believe it happened. Its the one that bothers me to this day.

[The Jokeman]

3 minutes ago, BringBackFergy said:

Serious question. We've talked about putting our dogs down, but what about being with our loved ones, friends or others when they pass.

 

We have many law enforcement members here, as well as soldiers, EMT's, doctors, nurses, etc. who may have been with someone when they took their last breath.

 

I'm none of those but have been with two people that took their last breath: one was a client I was with in the hospital. The other was my Dad who I was lucky enough to hold when it happened.

 

Without getting into too much detail about how it happened, why it happened, etc., do you still think about it? How has it affected you?

 

Some people say it is the "most beautiful thing to experience" but I won't go that far. I'd say I was very lucky to be with my Dad when it happened but I still can't believe it...very glad I was there with him. Wouldn't want it any other way. 

 

I was there for my father in law and thus far the only one was there for. It was difficult for all of us in the room (was there with my wife,  mother in law and sister in law)yet we all agreed it had to happen. As it was happening I remember whispering in his ear that he can go as I would take care of his youngest (as we weren't married at the time). It does come back to me especially when get to talking to my parents about their wishes etc. 

[BringBackFergy]

3 minutes ago, plenzmd1 said:

3 times for me..brother ,mother, brother by another mother( dear friend). Brother and mother I was happy i was there..and as awful as it sounds was relieved when they passed to end their suffering. It was time for both, and no amount of medicine or pain killers was going to take away their suffering.

 

Friend was crushing, still cant believe it happened. Its the one that bothers me to this day.

There's days I still reach for the phone to ask my Dad a question. Shocked he is still gone.  That last breath was just so amazing...just hard to explain the feeling you have when you hear and feel it. 

[The Jokeman]

7 minutes ago, BringBackFergy said:

There's days I still reach for the phone to ask my Dad a question. Shocked he is still gone.  That last breath was just so amazing...just hard to explain the feeling you have when you hear and feel it. 

I had an older friend that this happens to all the time as we'd talk about Survivor weekly or music or pop culture stuff. One of the saddest days I had was when I had to delete him from my cell phone contact lists. 

[RaoulDuke79]

My father and I were never really close. He was unhealthy for the last several years of his life. I got a call from my aunt a few years ago saying that he was admitted to the hospital and things weren't looking good, but didn't have any other information. I left work and went to the hospital and found that I was at the wrong one. I raced across town to the other hospital and finally made it up to where he was. I was there for about 5 minutes before I heard hi take one big breath, which turned out to be the last one. I believe there was a reason I made it there before he passed. It gave me some type of closure that I got to see him one last time.

[row_33]

a few times friends have been with their dying parents, at facilities, each time the police had a short interview on the final moments with friends....

 

 

[aristocrat]

my grandmother. whole family came together and put some differences aside.  it may sound strange but we were all cracking jokes as she laid their unconcious and breathing for 12 hours or so.  we're irish so we celebrate the life we don't mourn.  she did the death rattle and i can still see her eyes open and remember reaching down and closing them.  snuck her dog into the room to be with her for a few mins.  my dad didn't handle it well and took every bit of strength i had for him not to throw himself onto her after she died. 

 

my dad later killed himself about a year and half later and it kills me that i should have called him or something. spoke to him like 3-4 days earlier and it all seemed fine.  that's one you never get back. 

[BringBackFergy]

2 hours ago, aristocrat said:

my grandmother. whole family came together and put some differences aside.  it may sound strange but we were all cracking jokes as she laid their unconcious and breathing for 12 hours or so.  we're irish so we celebrate the life we don't mourn.  she did the death rattle and i can still see her eyes open and remember reaching down and closing them.  snuck her dog into the room to be with her for a few mins.  my dad didn't handle it well and took every bit of strength i had for him not to throw himself onto her after she died. 

 

my dad later killed himself about a year and half later and it kills me that i should have called him or something. spoke to him like 3-4 days earlier and it all seemed fine.  that's one you never get back. 

Sorry to hear about your Dad...that is really rough. Glad the whole family could be there with Gram though.

[plenzmd1]

2 hours ago, aristocrat said:

my grandmother. whole family came together and put some differences aside.  it may sound strange but we were all cracking jokes as she laid their unconcious and breathing for 12 hours or so.  we're irish so we celebrate the life we don't mourn.  she did the death rattle and i can still see her eyes open and remember reaching down and closing them.  snuck her dog into the room to be with her for a few mins.  my dad didn't handle it well and took every bit of strength i had for him not to throw himself onto her after she died. 

 

my dad later killed himself about a year and half later and it kills me that i should have called him or something. spoke to him like 3-4 days earlier and it all seemed fine.  that's one you never get back. 

well, i drank beers and was playing either the Shout song or old Genesis songs by my brothers side when he was close. His 5 sons were in the room when he passed, that was rough as they were age 13-22..i mean really freaking rough. 

 

Funny story bout my Mom. had been with her for 3 days and she wanted me to go to her oncology appointment with her on Friday as Pops was kinda useless. Doc says Gen, it is end days, we just need to make sure you are comfortable now. She gets all cranky saying I am not getting hooked on any drugs!

 

Saturday morning hospice comes to house..goes over all the plans and meds etc with me . My wife gets in about noon, and asks Mom if she wants something to eat, and my Mom asks for a tuna on DiCamilos toast. While wife is making it, mom wants my 10 month old daughter in bed with her..man that was stressful! Anyway, wife who never has made a meal in her life makes the tuna, Mom eats 1/2 of it  and almost as if she knows it her last meal...says it was  the best thing she has ever eaten! Wife was beaming. Mom dies early Monday morning, my wife still claims to have made  the best thing someone has ever eaten in their life!

[LeGOATski]

5 hours ago, BringBackFergy said:

 

Some people say it is the "most beautiful thing to experience" but I won't go that far.

 

I'm glad you're not going that far...

 

Do you talk to a lot of serial killers?

[Ridgewaycynic2013]

When Bride #1 had been dealing with breast, bone, and finally brain cancer for 15 years, she was placed in hospice care at home after a one week stay in hospital, at which point family knew all the ammunition to fight had been expended.  We were told she had days, perhaps weeks left.  As if in a final show of strength and defiance, she was home for exactly two months before drifting off in the evening.  Her hospital bed was in the living room, I slept on the couch next to her.  One of the best decisions we ever made as a family.  Relating back to the TBI she experienced in 1974, she always maintained that all the difficulties from cancer were merely an inconvenience in comparison to the TBI.  
*
My paternal aunt suffered a couple of strokes in October a few years back after being diagnosed with lung cancer the previous May.  The second stroke reduced her to a comatose state; Bride #2 and I were with her daily thereafter.  The final day (unbeknownst to us) we left at 10 p.m., and were only home a short time before the hospital called saying she had passed.  A nurse in the unit related a story of a daughter who spent over a month steady in her mother’s room, sleeping sitting in a chair, bathing in the sink, eating in the cafeteria.  Finally, the daughter left to tend to matters; the mother passed then, as if she couldn’t do so when her daughter was present. I have wondered if something similar didn’t occur with my aunt.

[davefan66]

I have been with many patients as they drew their last breaths.  Tried hard to make sure they were as comfortable as I could help them be.  There are many I will never forget.  Being ill and in the hospital tends to bring patient and caregiver closer.  You try not to because of the weight it bears, but you can’t help it.  Some of them are the course that is expected, others sudden.  The sudden ones are not always the worst.  It’s the ones you get to know the patient and their families.  The ones you get to know on a personal level.

 

That being said, it is different when it’s a family member.  My mother passed a few years back.  Tried to be stoic and treat it as I would any other patient.  Make sure she was comfortable - suctioned drainage, cleaned her mouth, etc.  I’ll say it’s interesting how fast you forget what you’ve learned and have trouble processing and handling it when its a family member.

[davefan66]

18 minutes ago, Ridgewaycynic2013 said:

When Bride #1 had been dealing with breast, bone, and finally brain cancer for 15 years, she was placed in hospice care at home after a one week stay in hospital, at which point family knew all the ammunition to fight had been expended.  We were told she had days, perhaps weeks left.  As if in a final show of strength and defiance, she was home for exactly two months before drifting off in the evening.  Her hospital bed was in the living room, I slept on the couch next to her.  One of the best decisions we ever made as a family.  Relating back to the TBI she experienced in 1974, she always maintained that all the difficulties from cancer were merely an inconvenience in comparison to the TBI.  
*
My paternal aunt suffered a couple of strokes in October a few years back after being diagnosed with lung cancer the previous May.  The second stroke reduced her to a comatose state; Bride #2 and I were with her daily thereafter.  The final day (unbeknownst to us) we left at 10 p.m., and were only home a short time before the hospital called saying she had passed.  A nurse in the unit related a story of a daughter who spent over a month steady in her mother’s room, sleeping sitting in a chair, bathing in the sink, eating in the cafeteria.  Finally, the daughter left to tend to matters; the mother passed then, as if she couldn’t do so when her daughter was present. I have wondered if something similar didn’t occur with my aunt.

Sorry for your losses.  
 

Yes, those who pass on do wait for family to leave, I’ve seen it many times.  It may seem unfair, but it’s not.  The person wants what is best for the grieving family.

[BringBackFergy]

22 minutes ago, davefan66 said:

Sorry for your losses.  
 

Yes, those who pass on do wait for family to leave, I’ve seen it many times.  It may seem unfair, but it’s not.  The person wants what is best for the grieving family.

Dad hung on last Thanksgiving until my brother arrived from Ohio. At night, brother went to hotel and sister went to her place. I stayed at the house and slept

in chair near Dad. He died with me and Mom there with him...maybe he didn’t want my brother and sister there. Never know. So many things to think about. 
 

Funny side note: When I was with Dad, I told Mom to call 911...as I’m holding him, I hear Mom tell the 911 operator the address to respond to...but it was their address in Florida (not their house in East Aurora where we were). I yelled across the room “No Mom...our EA address” and Dad kinda moaned at her (since he always kidded her about those kind of things). She was obviously flustered. But he knew what she meant. 

Edited February 19, 2020 by BringBackFergy

[Cripple Creek]

I believe that it is some comfort to those who die, but, it’s also comforting to those are there.  I think that dealing with death (and life) has gotten more difficult in our modern world.  As a kid our family, including cousins, aunts, uncles were all in close proximity. You dealt with death somewhat regularly.

 

Fast forward, our family was my wife and our kids on the other side of the country. They didn’t experience death until my in-laws passed away.  They also missed out on all of the fun big family things & even things like playing ball with cousins.

 

Times change, not always for the better.

[Hapless Bills Fan]

8 hours ago, BringBackFergy said:

Serious question. We've talked about putting our dogs down, but what about being with our loved ones, friends or others when they pass.

 

We have many law enforcement members here, as well as soldiers, EMT's, doctors, nurses, etc. who may have been with someone when they took their last breath.

 

I'm none of those but have been with two people that took their last breath: one was a client I was with in the hospital. The other was my Dad who I was lucky enough to hold when it happened.

 

Without getting into too much detail about how it happened, why it happened, etc., do you still think about it? How has it affected you?

 

Some people say it is the "most beautiful thing to experience" but I won't go that far. I'd say I was very lucky to be with my Dad when it happened but I still can't believe it...very glad I was there with him. Wouldn't want it any other way. 

 

 

The one that haunts me most is the one where I wasn’t.  My grandfather passed of congestive heart failure in Buffalo General.   He was like my father, and we were very close (he’s the reason I’m a Bills fan, watching football together was one of our things).

 

I had been talking to my mom and she was obsessing over small stuff and seemed upbeat he had been moved from the CCU to a room.  But her description of his condition didn’t match moved because improving.  There were just a bunch of little things that set off my “something’s up” meter.

 

I called the hospital and BS’d my way to talk to the attending physician.  He confirmed the straight scoop that in fact my grandfather was dying.  I couldn’t get a flight until the next day at that point.  We left work ASAP and took shifts driving to get there.  13 hr drive.  Got there after visiting hours, he wasn’t listed as critical so they wouldn’t let me in.  Went to mom’s house, hospital called at 3 am to say he had died.  So I never saw him alive.  It took me a bit to get over that.

 

Second most, I was there. 2 year old boy who died on my shift  in the ER at a large Boston hospital.  His mom had left him with boyfriend while she went shopping.  His skull X-ray looked like a hardboiled egg someone slammed on a counter before peeling.  The whole ER pulled together and fought for that kid like a pack of crazed badgers but it was no use.  In that day, concern (and space) for relatives was much less.  They sent me out to tell the father.  I was 18.  I never understood why people drank before that night.  

[BringBackFergy]

26 minutes ago, Cripple Creek said:

I believe that it is some comfort to those who die, but, it’s also comforting to those are there.  I think that dealing with death (and life) has gotten more difficult in our modern world.  As a kid our family, including cousins, aunts, uncles were all in close proximity. You dealt with death somewhat regularly.

 

Fast forward, our family was my wife and our kids on the other side of the country. They didn’t experience death until my in-laws passed away.  They also missed out on all of the fun big family things & even things like playing ball with cousins.

 

Times change, not always for the better.

So true. Thx

4 minutes ago, Hapless Bills Fan said:

 

The one that haunts me most is the one where I wasn’t.  My grandfather passed of congestive heart failure in Buffalo General.   He was like my father, and we were very close (he’s the reason I’m a Bills fan, watching football together was one of our things).

 

I had been talking to my mom and she was obsessing over small stuff and seemed upbeat he had been moved from the CCU to a room.  But her description of his condition didn’t match moved because improving.  There were just a bunch of little things that set of my “something’s up” meter.

 

I called the hospital and BS’d my way to talk to the attending physician.  He confirmed the straight scoop that in fact my grandfather was dying.  I couldn’t get a flight until the next day at that point.  We left work ASAP and took shifts driving to get there.  13 hr drive.  Got there after visiting hours, he wasn’t listed as critical so they wouldn’t let me in.  Went to mom’s house, hospital called at 3 am to say he had died.  So I never saw him alive.  It took me a bit to get over that.

 

Second most, I was there. 2 year old boy who died on my shift  in the ER at a large Boston hospital.  His mom had left him with boyfriend while she went shopping.  His skull X-ray looked like a hardboiled egg someone slammed on a counter before peeling.  The whole ER pulled together and fought for that kid like a pack of crazed badgers but it was no use.  In that day, concern (and space) for relatives was much less.  They sent me out to tell the father.  I was 18.  I never understood why people drank before that night.  

Being with someone over 70 or 80 is tough enough, but being with a little kid has got to be soooooo damn tough. Even if you don’t know the little one, it’s just terrible to witness that I imagine. 

[Augie]

I went to Florida when my dad was seriously ill. I went back and forth several times as things went up and down. At the end he was in hospice, and I was there with my mother and sisters. They told us “they often hang on as long as loved ones are in the room”, and urged us to go get dinner (it was getting late). Shortly after getting take out we arrived home and got the call. 

 

I have a buddy who lost his dad to cancer. He once told me he was sure the end came when they just jacked up the morphine and ended it for him. When we got the call about my dad, I thought back to that and felt confident that’s what happened to my dad that evening. We all had a chance to say our goodbyes as we left, so that was fine, but I would like to have been there. Far more importantly, I was glad he was no longer suffering. 

 

I was with my MIL in her last hours in the hospital. We had no idea how many weeks or minutes she would last. I was struggling hearing her labored breathing, but was comforted as my wife would say “this is her journey”. That was so true. We all have our own journey’s. Before I was half way home my wife called, her journey was on to the next phase. 

 

.

Edited February 20, 2020 by Augie

[BringBackFergy]

21 minutes ago, Augie said:

I went to Florida when my dad was seriously ill. I went back and forth several times as things went up and down. At the end he was in hospice, and I was there with my mother and sisters. They told us “they often hang on as long as loved ones are in the room”, and urged us to go get dinner (it was getting late). Shortly after getting take out we arrived home and got the call. 

 

I have a buddy who lost his dad to cancer. He once told me he was sure the end came when they just jacked up the morphine and ended it for him. When we got the call about my dad, I thought back to that and felt confident that’s what happened to my dad that evening. We all had a chance to say our goodbyes as we left, so that was fine, but I would like to have been there. Far more importantly, I was glad he was no longer suffering. 

 

I was with my MIL in her last hours in the hospital. We had no idea how many weeks or minutes she would last. I was struggling hearing her labored breathing, but was comforted as my wife would say “this is her journey”. That was so true. We all have our own journey’s. Before I was half way home my wife called, her journey was on to the next phase. 

 

.

Thx Augie. Good stuff. Interesting thing is - it’s different for everyone. Unique in all cases. For those who have not been with someone when a person takes their last breath, it’s a whole new outlook on life IMO.