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Biden Calls For Two Weeks Of Not Cooking On Gas Stoves To Flatten The Curve

 

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has called on Americans to refrain from cooking with gas stoves for the next two weeks to help "flatten the curve".

 

"It's real simple, folks," said President Biden. "These gas stoves have brought upon us a terrible pandemic of asthma, brain damage, and scurvy! Now folks, I still believe in America. I believe we can beat these stoves! And it starts with us coming together to flatten the curve of, you know, the thing! For just two weeks, America! Not a joke!"

 

In addition to the two week ban on gas stoves, the Biden administration has also recommended social distancing from gas stoves for the foreseeable future. "After the two weeks, if you must cook on a gas stove, we recommend doing so from a safe distance of six feet," said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. "We advise all kitchens be marked six feet from the gas stove, and ingredients be lobbed at your pans from that safe distance. The science on this is settled. All of these precautions should be continued until Moderna comes out with their brand-new gas stove vaccine."

 

While many Americans have heeded the President's call, the administration has expressed deep frustration at the stubborn refusal of Republican-leaning areas. "We have to have consequences for people who refuse to follow the science, and risk the lives of others by continuing to cook with gas," said MSNBC's Rachel Maddow. "The first step ought to be a stove passport, which only allows those with electric stoves to participate in society. If that's not sufficient, then we must refuse hospital beds to those who brought sickness on themselves with their ignorant choice of stove."

 

 

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-calls-for-two-weeks-of-not-cooking-on-gas-stoves-to-flatten-the-curve?utm_source=The Babylon Bee Newsletter&utm_medium=email

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47 minutes ago, B-Man said:

 

 

Biden Calls For Two Weeks Of Not Cooking On Gas Stoves To Flatten The Curve

 

63c0b4e44419263c0b4e444193.jpg

 

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden has called on Americans to refrain from cooking with gas stoves for the next two weeks to help "flatten the curve".

 

"It's real simple, folks," said President Biden. "These gas stoves have brought upon us a terrible pandemic of asthma, brain damage, and scurvy! Now folks, I still believe in America. I believe we can beat these stoves! And it starts with us coming together to flatten the curve of, you know, the thing! For just two weeks, America! Not a joke!"

 

In addition to the two week ban on gas stoves, the Biden administration has also recommended social distancing from gas stoves for the foreseeable future. "After the two weeks, if you must cook on a gas stove, we recommend doing so from a safe distance of six feet," said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. "We advise all kitchens be marked six feet from the gas stove, and ingredients be lobbed at your pans from that safe distance. The science on this is settled. All of these precautions should be continued until Moderna comes out with their brand-new gas stove vaccine."

 

While many Americans have heeded the President's call, the administration has expressed deep frustration at the stubborn refusal of Republican-leaning areas. "We have to have consequences for people who refuse to follow the science, and risk the lives of others by continuing to cook with gas," said MSNBC's Rachel Maddow. "The first step ought to be a stove passport, which only allows those with electric stoves to participate in society. If that's not sufficient, then we must refuse hospital beds to those who brought sickness on themselves with their ignorant choice of stove."

 

 

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-calls-for-two-weeks-of-not-cooking-on-gas-stoves-to-flatten-the-curve?utm_source=The Babylon Bee Newsletter&utm_medium=email

There is no ban or a call for a ban. Love this crazy sh it! 

 

So stupid, and dishonest to say there is a ban 

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1 hour ago, Tiberius said:

There is no ban or a call for a ban. Love this crazy sh it! 

 

So stupid, and dishonest to say there is a ban 

 

 

And there it is folks.

 

The standard lib response.

 

A bureaucrat did propose it.

Quote


On January 9, Bloomberg News reported that Commissioner Richard Trumka Jr. of the Consumer Product Safety Commission would consider banning gas stoves if supposed health risks associated with their use could not be remedied.

 

 

 

and when the American people respond to this nonsense 

 

The simpleton's reply, "this is funny, there's no ban."

 

No, there isn't. . . . . . . . . . .  and there never will be.

 

😄

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4 hours ago, B-Man said:

And there it is folks.

 

The standard lib response.

 

A bureaucrat did propose it.

 

 

and when the American people respond to this nonsense 

 

The simpleton's reply, "this is funny, there's no ban."

 

No, there isn't. . . . . . . . . . .  and there never will be.

 

😄

 

But Repubs wanted to end Social Security and Medicare because one Senator talked about sunsetting...

 

:rolleyes:

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

 

Hillary Clinton Boasts Of Having No Classified Documents From Her Time As President

POLITICS·Jan 25, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

 

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CHAPPAQUA, NY — After revelations that former Presidents and Vice Presidents Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and even Mike Pence had violated federal law by keeping classified documents in their homes, Hillary Clinton took the opportunity to brag that she had kept no classified documents from her time serving as President of the United States.

"For years now, it's been ‘emails, emails, emails,' – now while I may have mishandled classified emails from my time as Secretary Of State, nobody can impugn my record of properly storing and declassifying sensitive materials during my time as President!" The former First Lady and Secretary of State went on Jimmy Kimmel Live to share her achievement.

After the applause died down, Clinton motioned for Kimmel's sound tech team to pull up her Tweet where she had wished "Happy birthday to this future President" with a picture of herself. "When I was running for President in 2016, I knew I would need to be unimpeachable in handling sensitive material – once I got into office, and more to the point, after my term ended, I was careful to declassify, acid-wash, destroy, and otherwise properly handle classified documents. Presidents have to be mindful of these things!"

 

https://babylonbee.com/news/hillary-clinton-boasts-of-having-no-classified-documents-from-her-time-as-president

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Pfizer Introduces New Mascot 'Clotty'

HEALTH·Jan 25, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

 

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NEW YORK, NY — Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has unveiled their new mascot, an adorable glob of platelets who goes by the name "Clotty".

"See? Blood clots aren't scary!" said Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla as a smiling Clotty danced onto the stage. "Welcome to Pfizer, Clotty! Let's get one of these little guys into every home in America!"

 

While Pfizer initially pushed back against evidence tying the vaccine to blood clots, the company has decided to instead embrace it. "We are so excited for Clotty to help us put a friendly face on heart attacks and strokes," said Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla. "Every new COVID booster will now come with a plush Clotty doll you can take to the hospital when you inevitably get admitted with a massive embolus. You'll love squeezing Clotty while they wheel you into the cath lab! Thanks, Clotty!"

 

The new mascot's reception has thus far been overwhelmingly positive, with Clotty paraphernalia already showing up in several politicians' offices. "Gosh darn it, I love the little guy," said Senator Elizabeth Warren, sporting a Clotty t-shirt as she adjusted a picture of her and Clotty. "Every child in America should be so lucky as to have one of these precious little blood clots. I will continue to do everything in my power to make it happen."

 

 

At publishing time, Donald Trump had reportedly added Clotty to his list of potential running mates.

 

https://babylonbee.com/news/pfizer-introduces-new-mascot-clotty

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